Shall We Tell People Their Faults?

Marian Crist Lippitt

We think, “If he realized how much he hurts me, he wouldn’t do it.” Or we say, “If she only knew that she is this way, she would change.” But is this true? Faults or undeveloped virtues that produce character deficiencies are part of the person. There is only one thing CAN correct them: spiritual growth. And the growth of a soul is a matter between himself and God. There is just one thing I can do to help the other fellow to grow: I can LOVE him, backing my love with prayer.

When I tell a person his faults, do I lift him up to those heights of spiritual power where he can be changed? It is far more likely that I will cast him down into some negative state of mind where he has NO ACCESS to his own latent divinity: into anger or frustration, into disappointment and unhappiness, into remorse or a sense of guilt. A truly spiritual person knows how to climb out of these low negative states of mind through prayer and meditation; but most of us are still so human that we DON’T do so very readily; and in such human state of emotion our faults grow greater instead of being overcome.

In short, if I keep telling the other fellow that he is selfish, he is either going to reject this attack in anger, or accept it as true and increase his own sense of inadequacy or inferiority. He won’t be any easier to live with! All I do in either case is to add to his spiritual impotence.

In the spiritual growth that corrects a fault in the other fellow, some special virtue that counteracts that deficiency must be brought out. So what should I do instead of pointing out his fault? First of all I should pray for his growth - bring divine power into the situation. Then I should do all I can to stimulate his spiritual growth, and try to bring out the virtue that is absent.

It has to be there, latent, because every soul can reflect every attribute of God. Thus if I am hurt because my friend shows me a lack of consideration, I should watch for a situation where he DOES show consideration to someone, and praise him for it. I might say how lovable that trait makes him seem! This might be an impetus to his trying to be more considerate in the future.? But let me not spoil the effect of this effort by saying, “I just wish you would show me that much consideration!” For that kind of comment expresses an entirely different nature from the one that is only concerned with helping my friend.

Concentrating, thinking and communicating about evil only increases it. It is the natural human thing to do. I must work to overcome it, call on the power of God to eliminate the habit. The love of God is what can change my bad habits and MAKE me control the natural tendency to find fault. And too, who am I, with all of my faults to be self-righteously condemning the other fellow for some imperfections that he has not yet corrected?